Just when I was about to call it quits

It's been a rough few weeks for me.  I had this magic date of January 1 as the day I need to be back training again if I plan on doing Gulf Coast Half Ironman Distance.  And as the clock has been ticking away, my fitness and mobility have NOT been improving.  There has been such an intense amount of pain in my trapezius as a result of my spinal accessory nerve being severed.  And my range of motion has been very limited.  Additionally I have been gasping for air when I run.  And the one time I got on a bike made me gasp so hard, I swore I would not get back on until that problem was corrected.

Since Sunday, I have been trying to decide what to do.  I don't want to set a goal that I know I won't (or can't) reach and then disappoint myself and others by failing.  Just about every scenario has gone through my head.  Maybe I should only run?  Maybe it should only be 5Ks and 10Ks and also lift weights?  What is the minimum amount of time I need to get ready for a race?  Should I ditch the entire 2012 season or just punt the spring races and hope for fall ones?

But mostly the question that rolls around in my head 24/7 is "when will I feel normal again?"  Can I please have a sign?!?  Before I go to bed every night, my prayer is "Dear God, can you please change out all the cells in my body for healthy ones while I sleep so I can feel good again?"

So I was bumming on myself this morning when I first woke up.  Because yesterday I pretty much decided to quit. I decided to just forget about doing tris for next year because I have no idea how I'm going to get back into shape feeling as I do.  And then when I headed to the bathroom to take a shower, I got the sign I was looking for.  I was able to take off my pajama top.  Ok.  That might sound weird, I know.  But because of the immobility of my rotator cuff and trap muscle, I have to struggle every time I take off a shirt that goes over my head.

And this morning, it just came right off.  It didn't take me wriggling around and yanking for what seems like 10 minutes.  And in the shower, I was able to move my arm almost like normal.  Big smile.  Big big smile.

In the hours that have followed, it is natural for the muscles to seize back up and I don't have as much mobility and the pain has seeped back in.  But that 2 hour window allowed me to see into the future and know that eventually everything is going to be alright.

I don't know what will happen next year.  I don't know if I will be able to compete again.  What I do know is that I'm not going to give up hope that it will happen.  I will keep believing that it will happen until it does, no matter how long that takes.  A day, a week, a month, a year.  Because that is how badly I want it.  And because quite frankly, giving up now would just ruin the entire story.

What it means to commit

I volunteered as a timer for a children's swim meet this past Saturday and I learned a lot about determination.  There were children of all different skill levels yet I noticed that even though some of the kid's strokes were not the best, they still won.  And what I noticed was that the ones who won had such drive and concentration.  They had focus.  You could see it in their eyes, in their body language, in the way they attacked the swim from the start. 

I have had this type of laser beam focus in my life but I have lost it lately.  When I am inspired about something, I tend to focus on it like those kids at the swim meet.  In thinking what might inspire me, I am pretty sure a killer outfit for Santa Speedo will do the trick.

So I'm off to Hancock's Fabrics this weekend to buy fabric, etc and start sewing my costume.  I have a pic of my perfect body type hanging on my fridge and maybe what will work is to take a pic of me in the outfit and hang it next to my ideal/goal.  That will get me back on track.

It's hard controlling my body weight almost entirely through diet.  In the past, I could ride for 6-7 hours and know I would melt off a lot of fat.  There is a lot more pressure to watch every morsel I eat and that has been a shift that I find myself resisting.  But resisting it is futile as with only 24 days to go, every minute and calorie count.

Last year's bikini.

Less than 30 days to go

29 days to go to my big race of the year.  But instead of this being an endurance race of miles, it is a challenge to see how thin I can get and how creative my costume will be for this year's Santa Speedo Run. 

The race was held in Va Highlands the past 2 years, but this year it is on Peachtree Street in Midtown meaning even more people will see our crazy butts running down the street nearly naked in our speedos and bikinis.

I love events like this because they force me to do my best to eat a clean diet and shoot for a weight goal.  And this year isn't any different.  I weighed in yesteray at 134.4. pounds and although that is NOT fat by any means for a 5'8" female, it is also not what I would consider super lean.  Lean for me is when I break 130.  So I have 29 days to lose 5 pounds and that may not sound hard but those of you who diet know that when you get down to the last 5 pounds, it is the hardest.  To give you an idea, I weighed in my skinniest in high school at about 124-126 lbs and I was rail thin.  So 129 is going to take some effort given all that has been going on in my life.

I'm still dealing with the effects of trying to regulate my thyroid hormone and that VASTLY effects how much I can exercise and the intensity of it.  Nonetheless, I know how to eat clean and lose weight.  It's very simple.  NO PROCESSED FOOD.  I will eat eggs, baked chicken and fish, and steamed veggies and also some fruit.  I will allow myself to eat sweet potatoes because they help me stave off the horrible hunger that comes if I don't eat any starchy foods.

My other motivation will be my outfit.  I plan on creating and sewing it myself.  A plain red bikini was fine for last year but this year I am taking it to a new level of creativity.  I will save that story for another post.

Wish me luck as I have always caved in the past when I had a goal of becoming very lean.  I typically get to thin and then quit.  I have never pushed it past that stage.  And yes, I am WELL aware I am recovering from surgery right now.  I am not going to do anything stupid.  I am just eating lean foods...but please know I am eating LOTS of them.  I am NOT starving myself.

Here's to looking fabulous on December 10th.  Look for out for the many funny blogs between now and then.  Love to all of you!  P